I wish I could die.

Why do so many people suffer while I sit alone and safe in my home wishing for death? It's not fair to either of us. I wish I could switch places. I wish I could give my life for someone else. I truly don't feel that I belong here. I am a burden to others.

If there is a God I wish he would just take me and let someone else live.

Envy

I've been spending a lot of time lately wishing I was someone else. There's, like, a holy trinity of geek girls who have made their careers doings exactly what I want to do and never will. I saw Veronica Belmont's flicker last night and flipped through some of her pictures of herself being all cute. It made me jealous because I don't take pictures or know how to post them or have anyone that would want to see them once they were uploaded, and she's way cuter than me anyway. Felicia Day and Olivia Munn are also on my list, they both always look like they're having fun doing what they do. I've also tweeted that I want to be Emily Haines, but that will never happen.

I guess I have no direction in my life, but I have this hero worship where I see all the things that people have done and feel like I'll never be able to do that. I wouldn't even know where to get started, and I have to work within my limitations.

Maybe I just want someone to keep me company

I wish that I could somehow give up my life for someone who deserves it. I feel so lost and hopeless and I wish that I could somehow die without everyone around me, my family, being hurt by it. I was really excited when I got my dog, but now I wish I hadn't because I don't know who will take care of her when I die. But I just want to die and have everything over with. I feel pathetic. I want to lay in bed and cry for the rest of the day but I can't make myself cry to get it out of my system, so I just lay in bed and think about dying. There are so many people who are dying and don't want to. I wish I could trade with them. It's not fair. It's the only thing that I could give and I can't give it.

If you commit suicide but you're an organ donor, do you still go to hell?

No Summer School

I got to the school where I was supposed to start summer school to get my classes and found out that they've decided they don't have the facilities for me or whatever. Awesome. So it turns out that I won't be going to summer school, so I'll have my summer to relax and everything, but this might mean that I won't be able to graduate next year, which would really, really suck.

Procrastination

My appointment with the speech therapist go postponed, I'm supposed to let my mom know so she can reschedule it, but I don't want to go so I'm fighting with myself over when I'll bring it up.

I've been feeling really useless lately. I'm kind of waiting for my dad to get mad at me for never doing anything, but it's so hard to feel motivated. I keep putting everything off until tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

I've been trying to make friends on World of Warcraft so that I can kind of socialize without all the communication problems or having to deal with the social anxiety but it's kind of hard. So I keep playing and keep wondering when my dad will get mad at me for never doing anything important.

Fun Fact: When you spend a couple months in the hospital your boyfriend breaks up with you.

I texted him on Friday because it's been forever since I've seen him, and it was one of those things that immediately after I did I wished I could undo it. I texted him "I'm doing better now & I miss you." I don't know if that was too annoying or if I should have just said that I want him to come visit me. But anyway it's Monday and I haven't heard from him or anything.

I'm torn between wanting to text him again and wanting to text all my friends and ask if any of them know what's going on with him. I really do miss him, but I feel like he's already broken up with him just by distancing himself. And I guess he'd have wanted to break up soon because he's going out of state for college, but I thought we'd at least have this summer and go camping or hiking or just hang out around the house.

Now I do a lot of the thing we used to do together except I do them alone and it breaks my heart. I kind of really need someone right now.

Doing Nothing

I'm kind of trapped in my room today. There's people over and I don't want to have to interact with anyone. Interacting with other people, especially people who know me to any personal level, makes me feel nervous to the point that I sometimes have panic attacks. There are a select few number of people that I'm okay with, such as my parents.

The end result is that I'm robbed of my daily ritual of bringing in the mail, something that I really enjoy doing. It's a small, trivial thing, but I like being the first one to see everything. The anxiety of getting bad news in the mail (any kind of form that I'm going to have to fill out and send back in, for example) is outweighed enough by the hope of finding something fun that I optimistically forget about it and grab the mail hoping to find something good. I love getting catalogs but I feel that I would be cheating to just order a catalog. It has to magically show up, to be a surprise. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, some marketing campaign will send you a free sample of something, and at that point getting the mail first turns into a treasure hunt that you win by being the first one to go get it. I once got an empty plastic bottle of Coke in the mail with a coupon good for a free Coke. I think it was to advertise a new bottle shape or something, but I was so happy to have gotten this one-man's-trash-is-another-man's-treasure in the mail that I kept that empty bottle for years and never used to coupon. For a while I kept ordering things in the mail, like from Amazon, so keep a semi steady stream of real goods coming to me in the mail, but that got expensive and the train has stopped.

The other bad thing about having other people over and hiding in my room is that at some point in the early morning the dog was let out of my room and my bedroom door was closed. This was done in an attempt to protect me, since my parents know about my social anxiety, but it's lonely to wake up alone when I've gotten used to waking up with the dog next to me, doing the Man's Best Friend thing. The dog's back and napping on the bed while I type this up, and hopefully nothing worse will happen today.